“Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family.”

- George Bernard Shaw

As I begin to finalize my list of goals for the upcoming year (and boy, I have a lot of them!), I keep coming back to this quote by George Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950). These words, written so long ago, remind me that even if I don’t achieve each of my personal and professional aims by the time I ring in 2010, I still will have had a successful year if I have managed to stay focused on my loved ones. 

In today’s world, we measure our success through so many other means … whether or not we get that promotion or score that assignment, how much we can stash away in savings at the end of the year, where we can take our family for that week-long vacation, etc., etc., etc.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve. It’s a defining part of the American culture. I know that I have to constantly fight that inner voice that’s telling me, “Produce! Produce! Produce!” at the expense of pulling me away from the experience that’s in my immediate grasp, whether it’s cooking dinner or playing Legos with my kids.

Unfortunately, the success garnered by preparing a meal or building a fantastic fighter-jet out of plastic parts is not as measurable as a job title or a paycheck.

But that doesn’t mean that those intangibles should “weigh-in” any less. In fact, I think that I’ll keep that quote by George Bernard Shaw on my refrigerator door as a reminder that my greatest successes in life will not be measurable. 

New Years provides a great opportunity for looking at one’s life from the outside-in … as if we are spectators on the sidelines, watching our lives unfold. How did we perform in the last round, and what are our odds in the coming match?

But I think that I’ll try a new approach this year – observing this annual milestone from the inside-out. How have my actions over the past year impacted the lives of those around me, and what will I do in the coming year to bring love, comfort, and joy to both my family members and my friends?

From this revised perspective, that tasty lasagna and freestanding plastic sculpture suddenly fly to the top of the list of New Year’s Resolutions.

“I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.

The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.

I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.”

- Ebenezer Scrooge

– Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, 1843

If there’s anyone I know personally who honors Christmas all through the year, it’s Gracie. She radiates a sense of peace, joy, and hope that so many of us reserve for special occasions. It’s as if she lives her life in a constant state of celebration. Gracie doesn’t need Christmas to remind her to keep first things first, that’s for sure.

I’ve been decorating my house for weeks and stocking up on all of my family’s favorite Christmas goodies. Although it’s a lot of work, my goal is to create a little haven where my loved ones can feel the warmth of the Christmas spirit. 

If there’s ever a time of year when we spend time in one another’s homes, it’s during the holidays. Those age-old yuletide visions of sitting around the fire, sipping egg nog, and singing carols don’t take place in a restaurant. Christmas celebrates “home” in its most idealistic state.

Unfortunately, though, the rest of the year often finds us too busy and preoccupied to keep up the charade. We close up shop. 

Gracie’s door, on the other hand, is open year-round – and the table is never without its tea set.

But perhaps it’s the openness of her heart that gives her face that holiday radiance long after the garland and glass ornaments have been stored away. 

Around Christmas, I try to let myself become more emotionally vulnerable – preparing for the wonder and awe of the birth of Jesus and the arrival of a jolly old man in a red suit. If there’s ever a time to believe in magic, it’s at Christmastime.

A week or so after the holidays pass, I find myself far adrift from that sweet, loving space that cradled me in the thick of the Christmas season. My heart begins to harden a bit, and I often lose sight of the lessons that Christmas brings – giving of ourselves (our time, talents, and treasures) to others and believing in a Love that surpasses human understanding. 

Gracie’s spirit never hardens. Her eyes never lose that Christmas sparkle. She truly keeps Christmas in her heart all through the year – by believing in what cannot be seen or explained, by reaching out to others every day, and by choosing to focus on what is good and hopeful.

“A thrilling spiritual adventure awaits you but it will take courage. The men who dared were the first pioneers to cross the wilderness. They were the front line men in the great war. Courage challenged their inner resources. You cannot climb your spiritual heights without that same courage to loosen the powers that are within you.”

William H. Danforth, 1931

Every day, we are faced with the opportunity to show inner courage or to succumb to fear and anger. How do we tap into that inner spring of mental and emotional strength?

There are times in all of our lives when things just don’t turn out the way we would like. I have experienced these personal tragedies and have stood on the sidelines while my friends have worked through their own. 

We often have a vision of how our life should unfold. But what happens when the road takes a very sharp detour? All that we want to do is resist what’s happening and somehow use our own personal will to set things right.

But life just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we just have to hang on tight as we bump along the track at breathtaking speed. 

Intellectually, we know that we have to let go of our need to control what is happening. We have to let go of what we consider to be the ideal situation. We have to trust that God has a plan and that we will one-day understand why events unfolded in our life as they did.

But what is easy to grasp mentally can be a bear to manage emotionally. In the face of disappointment and an uncertain future, I think that we can only turn to gratitude and giving. For me, anyway, my heart heals in a place where I am feeling thankful for what IS in my life and directing my energies towards others. 

With Christmas just days away, it is my hope that a little holiday introspection will enable each of us to find and nourish that inner spring of courage and strength to face whatever challenges the coming year may bring.

The weather update on the morning news today read “East Coast Misery.” Wow. I guess I didn’t realize just how distressed I should be on this glistening December morning just two weeks away from Christmas. 

It’s true that we’re enduring a sleet/rain/snow storm that has left many of us without power and negotiating treacherous roads on our commutes to work. I’m sure that the weather has caused more than a few complications in New England lives this morning. But misery?

The headline made me think how easy it is to let one negative thought, worry, or aggravation become the focal point of an otherwise nice day. It’s an act of self-sabotage, really. Everything is going smoothly until that critical moment when we realize that there is or MAY BE a glitch – whether it’s a traffic jam, a runny nose, or a child with a runny nose. We often ruin our own day by focusing on the one thing that’s not going quite right instead of celebrating the hundreds of little details that are humming along just perfectly.

Since becoming a parent, I find that my biggest source of personal “misery” comes from an exceptional facility that I have for “awful-izing” (a term coined by psychologist, Joan Borysenko). I let one negative thought or fear take over my mind and body so completely that I can barely function. 

The other night, for example, I was suddenly filled with deep pangs of garbage-can remorse. As I was lying in bed, I realized that I really should have been keeping the ABC practice sheets that my son has been bringing home all year from kindergarten, instead of dumping them discreetly in the trash. What kind of mother am I? What will I say one-day when he asks me, “Mom, where are all of my ABC practice sheets?” After all, he only learns how to write his letters once. How could I have had such little foresight?

The thoughts mounted, and my heart raced. At midnight, I jumped out of bed and went scurrying about the house trying to find any scrap of paper my son may have scribbled on to place in my new official “saving everything” folder. 

I was starring in my own episode of “Midnight Misery.” I would have been better off just going to sleep. The folder could have been initiated the following morning without me wasting two hours beating myself up over a few silly mistakes. And in hindsight, I’m a pretty good mom. I kept every single “I love you” card he ever made.

So today, as I look out my window at the tree branches encapsulated in a layer of shimmery ice, I choose to see beauty instead of a nuisance. After all, my house is warm and dry, my husband arrived safely at work, and my two children are healthy and happy downstairs eating piping hot pancakes. Misery on the east coast? None here, I’m happy to report.

“You have dreams. They will come true – I ask you when?”

William H. Danforth, 1931

When I was a little girl, I remember my grandfather telling me about my mental alarm clock. He said that all I had to do before I went to bed was decide what time I wanted to wake up, then presto! I would wake at that exact time. 

Today, there are tons of books out there advocating the mind over matter approach … Envision yourself having already achieved what you want to achieve, and it will be yours.

The very idea makes me realize how pessimistically I think about most things in my life. It’s easier to envision something not going our way than to risk the disappointment of counting on something that doesn’t materialize. But dreams, I think, are as much a mental exercise as they are an emotional whimsy.

Any of the great thinkers will tell you … you have to keep your eye on the ball. Your mental energy needs to stay directed on the outcome that you want to achieve, in order to bring it about. But you also have to invest some time and energy into pursuing that dream.

Once we become a parent, it seems that our personal journey gets derailed for a few years, at least, in favor of the family journey. And I think that’s a good thing. There are deep rewards that come from letting go of our own agenda in order to create this new little community in our life.

But at some point, we need to reconnect with the dreams that exist for us outside of our home and family.  I have been contemplating this in my own life, and I know that other women with school-age children are doing the same.

A number of years ago, I befriended a winemaker in southwestern France. I lived with his family while doing an internship on wine, and he not only became my mentor in the wine-making process but also in life. I will never forget one evening when he said to me, as we were discussing my goals after school, “If you can dream it, you can do it!”

If both my grandfather and this inspiring winemaker are correct, then thoughts can become reality. I think that we should all challenge ourselves not only to work towards rediscovering the dreams that we may have temporarily locked away, but to begin taking active steps – even if they are small at first – towards achieving them.

“If you want to be happy, be.”

Leo Tolstoy

The greatest lesson that I hope to learn from my time with Gracie is not how to live into my mid-90s and beyond, but rather, how to live from this point forward (however long that might be) with the joy and sense of purpose with which Gracie approaches every day of her life.

Each afternoon we share together, Gracie must say, “Aren’t we lucky?” dozens of times. When we sit down to a plate of cookies, when the teaspoon happens to be left on the table from the previous tea-party, when the sunlight falls “just so” across the table …. She lives in a constant state of appreciation. 

Gracie epitomizes the saying, “If you want to be happy, be.” The circumstances in her life have little affect on her overall happiness. She has arranged her mind in such a way that there is cause for hope and celebration in any situation. And in almost 96 years, she must have encountered her fair share of life’s trials and tribulations (although I can only surmise – as she doesn’t talk about them).

I do know that a number of years ago, Gracie lost a young person in her life who was very dear to her.  As painful as the experience must have been for her and her family, she speaks of this young man with a twinkle in her eye and a joyous smile on her face. She harbors not a doubt in her mind that she will be reunited with him in heaven. Gracie is a woman of powerful faith.

Yet her personal spiritual beliefs do not exclude or judge. They are simply a part of who she is — loving, caring, and trusting.

It seems to me that her unwavering faith in God and her attitude of happiness are so closely intertwined – you could not begin to pull them apart. It is her confidence in God’s path for her life that enables her to surmount the fear that keeps so many of us mentally and emotionally under water. 

Not only does she live without fear, but she quite visibly feels gratitude for every moment given to her here on this earth – without worrying about what might or might not be coming next.  Instead, she opens herself up – without a second thought – to anything God might ask of her. 

I want to be more like Gracie. I want to wake up in the morning, as I know she does, with a smile on my face that surfaces from a contented, yet eager heart. I want to live each moment of every day with the unwavering confidence that everything will be just as it should be … and I can stop resisting and start truly participating in the wonderful world of not knowing and not needing to know. 

I can almost see Gracie looking out her living room window at the heavens as she says her silent prayer each night before bed and each morning as she awakes. She is joyful, thankful, hopeful, and above all – faithful. And she never stops asking, “Lord, what can I do?”

by Satirat

Today I received a newsletter from the organization that served as the catalyst for this blog (see History) and so many other good things in my life — the American Youth Foundation (AYF).

The president, Anna-Kay Vorsteg, always includes an insightful letter that discusses the relevance of the ongoing efforts of the nonprofit organization in light of current affairs. 

The title of her letter in this issue gave me pause. It read,  “Diminishing Resources?” The question mark is so telling. In the letter, she discusses a problem-solving activity called Diminishing Resources that the AYF often uses in its leadership-development programs.

The goal of the activity is to challenge a group to adapt as their resources appear to diminish from plentiful to scarce.  Anna-Kay writes in her letter, “I have facilitated this activity many times and, in doing so, have observed that generally youth discover the solution more quickly than adults.”  

We grown-ups are so set in our ways of thinking. It’s hard for us to shake our preconceptions about things — but also our pessimism. Children are, by nature, the eternal optimists.  As parents, we are so busy leading these little people around. It would do us good, from time to time, to take their hands and let them introduce us to the bountiful world of possibility that they seem to know so well. 

But the good news is that, with enough determination, groups of all ages eventually solve the diminishing-resources problem. “In this game, as resources diminish, creative solutions are grown, dependency on others is increased, ideas and items are shared, and eventually spirits soar,” Anna-Kay says. 

Now this is where she makes the great leap between a small-group learning experience and the greater situation we find ourselves in as citizens of the world:

“As the value of the dollar drops and expenses rise, we all hear a cry to change behaviors and conserve resources. We all worry and wonder if we will have enough …. The task before us as a people, a nation, an organization are not insurmountable if we can surface and act upon new ideas. What are we not yet seeing? What could we change? How can we better work together and share resources? Which resources are untapped?”

I think that both as individuals and as a greater global community, we are still struggling to make that difficult transition between clinging to well-worn perceptions … and breaking out into a new way of seeing the world and our role in it. It is a difficult place to be in. The more that we insist that the old way is the only way — the more painful and prolonged the journey to a hopeful tomorrow will be. 

But as the case study at Merrowvista suggests, we are absolutely capable of thinking outside-of-the-box, if we just think long enough and hard enough –  and if we think together.

I was talking with a friend during after-school hours at the playground today. She mentioned that she has been struggling with this in-between time of year — with winter not fully arrived and autumn’s warmer and more colorful days long past.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself in a lot of conversations like this. But as we talked this afternoon, I began to think that there may be more to this “betwixt and between” feeling, that so many moms I know are experiencing, than simply the change of seasons.

Regardless of our individual life stories, a thin veil of anxiety and worry appears to be hanging over most of us. And it’s really no wonder. The economy comes up in almost every hockey-rink-sideline chat I’m involved in. Either a friend’s husband just got laid off, or a couple someone knows is in deep water with a home they can’t sell in a town where they can’t find work. Of course we’re on edge!

If the bottom hasn’t already dropped out from under us, we’re afraid it might happen at any time. That feeling of security – and perhaps naivety – that we enjoyed only a few months ago is now a happy memory. We’re worried about our jobs, our savings, our homes, and our futures. 

So if it’s not just a Vitamin-D deficit, and the uncertainty of the economic climate is really what’s bugging us, then how do we get out of our funk in time to enjoy the holidays?

I think that the answer lies in two life skills that I’ve personally been working on for years: letting go of fear and learning to adapt readily to change.

If we can accept that we don’t have control over most things in our lives — even though we like to think that we do — then we will be less attached to each situation’s outcome. And if we’re less attached to the outcome, then maybe we’ll be better equipped to ride whatever tide comes our way.

As for the holidays …. maybe we can start trying to see uncertainty as one of this season’s mysterious gifts. 

Christmas is really all about love (in the active tense). And we love most effectively in the here and now. Perhaps that uneasiness we feel about not-knowing-what’s-coming-next should be a cue to us to embrace the moment that we’re in – and to celebrate, more earnestly than ever, the love that we share with our families, our friends, and our neighbors.

With a rather indulgent Thanksgiving weekend just behind me and several weeks of holiday reveling waiting in the wings, I am trying to strike a healthy balance between celebration and responsibility.

I’ve read plenty of magazine articles that purport the idea of actually dieting during the holidays. A trick that one writer suggested (and one that I’ll never forget) was to eat a bowl of cereal prior to attending a social gathering. That way, party-goers won’t be tempted to eat all of those delicious, once-a-year goodies. The self-deprivation approach may work for some, but it definitely isn’t for me.

I have always been a believer in embracing life to its fullest – and that certainly means drinking a little eggnog and eating a few Christmas cookies every December. But I also know that I need to take care of my body to be able to enjoy all of the other fun activities of the season. 

Here’s my plan for enjoying some of the decadent food and drink of the season, while still making some healthy decisions for my body:

Water

An herbalist once told me that, based upon my body weight, I should be drinking about 80 ounces of room-temperature water per day. I rarely do. But with the heat in my house cranking, this is a good time of year to start. From my hands to my eyes, I’m definitely in need of better hydration. And it’s such an easy lifestyle adjustment to make. Although I crave warm beverages (like tea and hot chocolate) as the temperatures drop, I will try and balance those mugs of steaming beverages with plenty of water.

More Tea – (And Less Coffee)

Most health experts agree that too much caffeine is not a good thing. I really enjoy a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. But there’s no reason it can’t be mostly decaf. When I buy coffee these days, I try and fill my bag with 3/4 decaf beans and 1/4 regular beans. That way, I can drink more than one cup (which I always do) and not do a number on my body. If I need a little pick-me-up later on, then a cup of black tea seems to be a healthier choice. And herbal tea, of course, is probably the best.

Fresh-Air Exercise

Depending upon the weather, this can be a very tempting time of year to exercise indoors, if at all. But I think that there are untold benefits to breathing a little fresh air while we move our bodies. A daily run or walk definitely keeps my energy up and probably helps me make other good-for-my-body decisions throughout the day.

Warm Baths

At the end of the day, I need a little treat for myself. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be something sweet. Slipping into a hot bath with a cup of herbal tea and a gigantic glass of water by my side, I can completely skip that scoop of ice cream or handful of chocolate chips. Plus, I’m relaxed and ready for bed at the end of it .. which leads me to my last tip for good health this holiday season.

Quality Sleep

If I’m tired, then I tend to lose my focus when it comes to healthy habits. I am more likely to eat too many sweets, drink too much caffeine, and not exercise enough. So ensuring a good night’s sleep is key to optimal health. This time of year in particular, I try to read something uplifting before bed … like an inspiring Christmas story or poem. And before tucking in for the night, I do five or six nice, long stretches, take some deep breathes, and then say a prayer for all of my loved ones. It’s a really nice way to end the day.

So there. The holidays really do come but once a year. I hope that my little plan will keep me feeling good so that I can enjoy every last minute of it — eggnog and all!